Lonely of Lewisham

Here I am just reached that certain age, things should be bright and rosy in my little patch of Lewisham but I’m lonely. Not lonely for friends that is not a problem (don’t think me big headed) but lonely for a companion.

I lost a child 16 years ago and from that day I have not had a partner.

I started thinking about all the other parents who have lost children and the effect on their marriages and relationships, I’m sorry to say it doesn’t look great. Steven Lawrence’s parents parted, ditto Jamie Bulgers parents I’m not going to name any more but what I can say is, it’s quite a usual occurrence.  I looked up some websites on parent grief but I’ll tell you how I felt and what it did to my relationship with Richie’s father.

First I want to emphasise I was not in a relationship with him when Richie died, there was a connection but the bomb of our sons death caused a massive chasm from which there was no going back.

It was as if we could not touch the depth of each others grief, I could not comprehend that he felt as devastated as I felt. when I think of some of his behaviour after Richie died I realise it was his way of saying “Look at me I’m hurting too”, but all I saw was a man who wasn’t the most fantastic father.

My anger at the way he had let his son down over the years intensified, it did not lessen and to this day I feel anger at him. Stupid and childish I know but who knows how the death of a beloved child will make you behave. They say it takes at least 20 years to finally come out into the light, and I can testify that this is true, I mean I didn’t sit around for all those years crying and wearing black but just under the surface was a horror and a sadness that would sometimes suffocate me, even now writing about my son brings tears to my eyes, remembering him making sausages for breakfast, making me laugh.

Shortly after our son’s funeral his father and I were in a pub, I don’t know why maybe we arranged to meet and talk, it was quiet and Celine Dion’s song came on, ‘My Heart Will Go On’, and to my utter amazement he started crying. I got a small glimpse of his pain and sorrow.

I don’t know what I have done or why I can’t get a decent partner. Is it my destiny to be single? Am I emitting an aura that screams GO AWAY? I hope not because I don’t feel like that at all, but maybe I can answer my own question.

I can’t and won’t explain to a man that I will love my son and will not lay aside my grief on certain days. No I don’t walk around beating myself up and being a moaning Minny, friends will tell you that but losing him is so much a part of what I am only an exceptional man could take me on and I don’t think I deserve that.
A punishment perhaps.

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8 thoughts on “Lonely of Lewisham

  1. You are one of the very few, strong women who know what they want, who they are and one that will not settle for anything less. You are so talented and beautiful….there’s a man out there right now, that has no idea how lucky he is going to be!

  2. Dee I remember you losing your baby boy all those years ago in the newspaper.
    I cried for you coz I remember you at school always laughing and joking and couldn’t comprehend the pain you must have been going through.
    I spilt up from my old man 5 years ago after 28 years together, I’m still single but like you I don’t really wanna be, although I tell the family men can all do one. Who am I kidding lol.
    Do you think we just come over as too strong and independent a bit scary for most men.
    Anyway men are like buses you don’t see one for ages then two come along at once .

    • Hey Ann, So nice to hear from you x thank you so much and thank you for crying for me. It was a devastating time then and still now, but life gets easier. We will both get a lovely man who we can love and who will respect us. xx we should meet up, where do you live?

  3. I am always happy to see you when you write, to follow your journey. Dolores, being alone and being lonely are of course distinctly different, you have defined this beautifully. You are so right, it will require an extraordinary man to hold you closely, in your pain when you need this comfort. But Dolores, you do deserve this in your life. I suspect when you let go the last vestige of your mourning you will allow yourself to be loved again.

  4. You are so loved, beautiful Dolores. You bring big smiles to peoples faces.
    It is the worse horror to imagine to lose a child, As a parent myself, I don’t imagine that pain can ever leave, I think you are very honest and brave and inspiring to share your love for your beautiful son with us all. You are an inspiration, you make such a difference just by being you.
    Love will come along. But Dolores believe it, don’t feel that you do not deserve it, it blocks it from coming to you. You DO deserve it. Yes, it will have to be an exceptional man who can see your beautiful soul, can appreciate the loving mother you are, values you and loves you unconditionally. This is the man you deserve and he will be very lucky to love you.
    In the meantime whilst he’s finding you, know you are loved. I love you x

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