I have a confession.

Time stopped when Richie died

I’m unreliable.

It started after Richie died. I swear everything around me stopped, it was like a scene from the matrix, I was walking but nobody else was, I stared into peoples faces because I couldn’t believe they could not feel what I felt. Richie was dead and the whole world had changed.

I got rid of all my clocks and decided I did not want a watch. I did not understand the concept of time anymore, yet I counted everyday from the day of his death. 1 day since Richie died, 2 days since Richie died, 3 days since Richie died, 8 days since Richie died, 29 days since Richie died.

15 years since Richie died.

I love my Master course, I love it as much as Richie. It is my love.

The first thing taken away in my life which was so unfair and beyond my control was my education, and of course the big one. Richie.

Last week I missed two appointments because I don’t keep an eye on time.

I have lost jobs, and even friends. Saying that Sainsburys were brilliant with me, I was working for them when Richie died,  they pretended they wanted me to clear out a huge storage shed, but is was my crying cabin, they left me alone and didn’t say one word about me coming in when I wanted and leaving when I wanted. I had to leave eventually though about three months after Richie died a woman manager who did not have any children, told me it was time to pull myself together and stop pissing her off. So I did, I left. I hear she got married and had two children later, I hope she never has to go through the pain of losing a child and being told to pull herself together in less than 3 months.

But thank you sainsburys.

I think though it is time for me to get it together and buy a watch and become reliable again. I have a diary now which I carry everywhere with me. I have started filling it with things that interest me and which I feel I would like to participate in.

I am reclaiming time again, it is time for Richie to get out of my face and stand by my side, Richie on one side and my education on the other , my diary in my bag and a clear view of my future.

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17 thoughts on “I have a confession.

  1. Feeling unreliable can be a really painful and distressing thing. Being pitied by people because you are unreliable is even worse. I can’t imagine how it is to lose a child – I doubt anyone can who has not themselves – but I hope I know a very small part of what you’re talking about, because I also have trouble with being on time for things and remembering to do things, even when I’ve made promises to people I care about.

    However, there are some things I do to try and keep myself on target. I don’t know whether they can help you, but they’ve always helped me, so I will describe them just in case they are useful.

    Like you, I keep a diary. Mine is in the form of a to-do list Word document which I keep on Dropbox (a free cloud computing service), which means I can open it from any computer, whether at home or in college. I use a computer because it allows me to just move text about, delete it, and change it however I like – but I’m sure others prefer a diary because it’s tangible on real paper in front of your nose. Another cloud computing service you can use is Google Docs – which are free, simple, and accessible wherever there’s an internet connection.

    Every single thing I have to do in each day, I make sure I have an entry on the to-do list. Whenever I do any of them, I cross it off. When I do something that I hadn’t planned to do, I write it in, and THEN cross it off – because hey, I deserve it, right?

    Whenever I know I need to be somewhere, I always check how long it’s going to take on tfl.gov.uk, and then I stick an extra 20 minutes onto that time, just to be safe. I put it in my list as “Leave for (thing) by 15:10”, and then I’m usually five minutes late anyway, but because I’ve given myself so much extra time, I’m usually okay anyway. The method isn’t flawless, but it helps a lot. I also perform a simple mind game. Every single time I think to myself “it’ll take such and such a time”, I automatically say to myself “no. you’re wrong. it’ll take 20 minutes longer than that.” I assume that I am ALWAYS wrong about timekeeping…and guess what! I always am.

    What I’ve found, funnily enough, is that nowadays I simply can’t survive WITHOUT my to-do list. I’ve forgotten how to organise my time without it. But that’s because it’s so useful, and carries so much of the burden of managing myself, that it frees up my brain to relax and think about other things. If a mind is something that thinks about certain things according to certain rules, then my to-do list is a (very primitive) extra brain, to which I’ve outsourced the stuff I don’t want my real brain to bother over! A diary is very much the same thing. It helps to have rules, and structure; that way, it’s not on you to make sure things go right. You just have to follow the rules. And while, like I say, I cannot imagine anything like what you’ve been through, I know how suffering and sorrow can make life seem chaotic and pointless – make it look as if it has no rules. Since deciding to make my own, I’ve found everything a lot easier. Ironically, when you follow your own rules, you end up feeling in charge.

    Maybe this won’t help, but maybe it will, and if even a small part of it does, then it was worth typing out. I hope so and hope things get easier for you.

    • I need a Laurence in my life forever. xxxxxx We shall talk at greater length. Thanks for the advice, I shall certainly look into the Google, and I am liking my diary a lot. and it is horrible stressing about how I let people down. And maybe the opportunities I have let slip away, no more.

  2. Wow Dolores, that was a powerful post. How strong are you exactly? Incredible! You sound like the kind of person that can overcome anything. I’m sure your Richie has his arm on your shoulder, is it possible he came here to teach you how strong you are. What a beacon you are. I imagine you inspire people all around you without even realising it. You just inspired ME. x

    • I appreciate your wonderful words after looking at your blog, I feel grateful that you see how hard it has been, it’s not always be easy and the thought to throwing myself off a building passed my mind many times, but that is not what I taught my son to do, so you keep on living the best way you can. Honorably and with integrity in Richie’s name. xxxxx

  3. I love your words…I hope I never know your pain…..You are a very strong lady and very talented writer!

  4. I don’t think you ever pull yourself together, just pull yourself up and in a new direction. It was hard to ‘like’ this post but it is the only option provided to tell you this was moving. No one who hasn’t lost a child can begin to empathize with your pain, we can only say we will stand along side to listen if you need a shoulder to weep on.

  5. Dee, darling woman you are such an inspiration and so gifted; sad you’ve had to go through the valley of deep darkness for so long. But I know you have a strong faith as well as a strong heart. Your writing is always worth reading and I often sign into fb just to read your posts – sometimes so funny and witty, sometimes it tugs the heart strings. Always honest. Respect. Xxxx

    • Thank you Jacky, your such a lovely person, i’m glad we’re friends. It has been tough. But you have to keep going.
      Is it still ok for me to come and stay for a little holiday break? I really need a break, I hope everything is fine with you?

    • Hello Johanna, thank you I’m doing fine. my diary is working very well and I would be lost without it. I have been to some great things and I have a lecture at The Royal Geographical Institute next week, I have missed to of these lectures because of my memory. I’m so excited. I hope you are ok and thank you again. x

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