She stopped seeing the light

Whitney Houston that is I don’t mean she stopped seeing the light as in the film Poltergeist or she stopped seeing God, I mean she literally stopped seeing life. The other evening I had an attack of insecurity and no confidence, I beat myself up and believed that I was wasting my time at University I felt that I was not as intelligent as I thought I was and I may as well go back to cleaning, catering and any other form of work where I personally had no self-esteem.  I have never been so poor except when Richie died, besides from that I don’t have any money  I don’t go clothes shopping any more my boots are so battered that even for me who is not materialistic in any way feels it’s time to get a new pair. I decided instead of lying here in my room feeling isolated I would go to the library at the University which is open 24 hours daily and do some reading, I’m preparing for a Media Law exam I guess this is where my insecurity has come from, but when I got there I could not settle so I turned around stepping out of the door and proceeded to get a bus home.

It was miserable standing at the bus-stop I thought I’ll get a train home instead, it is only a minutes walk from the bus-stop to the train station, as I reached the bridge that goes over the train track I had the misfortune to see the Hayes train slowly making its way out of the station. I had missed my train the next one would not be for another 25 minutes which I did not feel like hanging around for.

OK it was early evening so I started walking into Lewisham the long way, yep I was going on an unexpected walk. How many people go for a walk when they are depressed? Are you the sort that stays in eating chocolates or do you go and buy a bottle of booze because you deserve it? Do you smoke a joint. Why do you deserve it?  Don’t you deserve better than that?  I know what I’m talking about after all I smoked for years and still dabble to a certain extent, it’s not something I’m proud of but it’s what I was brought up with, it was constantly in my life so much so it seemed normal but puff heads can still see the light and will often go out with their joints to chill in the sun and the wind and see life for what it is or they imagine it is in their apathy. Apathy being the downside to puffing.

The light I’m talking about is the light at the beginning of the day and the end of the evening it is never-changing and has always been since the beginning of time.  My life, no matter how bad it became I always saw the light and the light is the beauty.  The sharpness of the silhouettes of houses against a deep blue sky of evening, or the magic of the rising sun which makes the mornings gold a beautiful haze in the air, you can see this in London, Birmingham, the Bronx, Las Vagas and Hollywood.  You can see it when it’s pouring down with rain, why do people sit in their cars eating sandwiches and talking when it raining cats and dogs?  Because it’s a nice thing to do. And it’s not just old married people who sit in their cars eating, young people do it  they are more likely to be eating McDonald’s though and in love, or just having a laugh.  I have heard people saying they hate it when it’s grey and raining and everything seems so dark, it seems to match their mood, not mine  I love seeing the bark of trees glinting silver being soaked by the life-giving water. I get winter.

Lighting my candles, putting  my fairy lights around the windows, getting my hot water bottle out, snuggling up in front of my T.V or laptop, and even putting on a bit of weight because I just love sugar. As I write this I’m looking out of the window I don’t have a garden I have a flat roof, it is barren at this time of the year but I have put a peacock windmill out there and as I look it is flying around hypnotically and the light it catches is beautiful. The clouds are dramatic, the colour battle ship grey, I heard that somewhere and always loved the name.

Why don’t you surprise yourself and go out for a walk at an unexpected time four in the evening in the winter is a nice time, or nine at night in the summer.  The light can save your life and it can also take you back to a better time, remember going out with your friends at night and having a laugh?  Remember going to the youth club?  It’s a feeling that can’t be taken away.  Bad things we can leave in the past and it’s not always good to hark back to the good old days because you should be looking forward, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t grasp a little piece of the light.

If only Whitney had kept looking at the light  she would still be alive.  The freedom you craved as a young person was the freedom that you already had and if you choose you can grasp it again . It’s not at the bottom of a glass or a crack pipe it’s in the air and in the light.

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