I feel like Forest Gump who midway between running across the USA stopped and said he was going home. Coming to this University is the equivalent of going home. I don’t have to run anymore. I don’t even want to run anymore, I just want to glide and laugh and enjoy this very short life before we die. I don’t want to write or feel bad about my son anymore.
I was sitting in a lecture this morning and I could feel my brain swelling like a sponge as I absorbed the information, it is this feeling that has made come to realise that I could be a victim like my son, I could be sad and wistful for the rest of my days. The moment of complete self-awareness happened last week, I traced a woman who had lost her only son in a stabbing incident, it took me ages to find her I wanted to use her for a feature that I was going to make, and I was delighted to have finally tracked her down, as I stood on her doorstep I realised that I had run out of steam, not compassion that is not going to ever happen, but I realised what I have been doing for the last 14 years, I have been searching for answers, I have been searching for sanity, I have been searching for my son. I looked at the poor mother of this lost and gone away child, I saw myself, I finally found what I was looking for. Me.
Life does get better no much how much you have been hurt. I have had some great laughs, and I love life.
I went to Capri in Italy seven years ago, still running. Capri is one of the most beautiful islands in the world. Myself and at least 50 other people had taken a boat from Sorrento, I had a lovely afternoon looking around the lovely little expensive shops and climbing to the highest part of the Island, dizzily gazing down to the dreamy sea below it was one of the best days ever. Eventually I had to leave to get the boat. When I got to the harbour the boat was not there, apparently it had left already and abandoned all of us, there was quite a bit of a commotion especially from the Sicilians who had been staring at me non-stop whilst gesticulating wildly and eventually a cheeky Italian charmer, who for some reason had taken liking to me said that a replacement boat was coming and we would all be going back to the mainland very soon.
The boat turned up and we all dived on, I was taking my turn to walk aboard when the captain of the boat came down the stairs and announced rather grandly that he would like to give me the honor of sitting with him and watching him sail us home, I ignored the jealous glances of the other passengers and fucking legged it up the stairs to the captains wheelhouse, 30 minutes later I’m sailing the ship back to Sorrento. Of course after the terrible accident in Italy this week, I would like to state that as unprofessional as it was, I had a brilliant time. Thank you Captain of the Boat for making me feel like a million dollars and thank you for giving me a great memory.
As for Richie. You will never be forgotten you are in my heart, my blood, my soul. You are a part of me. I love you and how would I ever forget you, but after 14 years my lovely son, It’s time to laugh and learn, and breath easy again. You would, you were the same as me.
The first Song on here is Sorrento Moon, by Tina Arena for the trip to Italy and the second Yesterday by Leona Lewis for Richie.