No more being Ms Haversham, it’s time to move on

Good morning everybody, I’m excited about this new year, I’m really going to push my boundries this year, and the next move will be out of this house and into a new place for myself, it’s time I stopped living like Ms Haversham, leave the past and it memories behind and step out into the sunshine.

This was my status this morning on facebook.

 I woke up  feeling so bright and ready to face the day.  It is New Years Eve morning and I have cleaned my house , when I wake up tomorrow I want this house to be clean and tidy. I want everything organized and in it’s place, this is how I want to live my life from now on. It is a goal that I have consciously thought about, I know it will be very good for me.   We all set goals when we’re younger and but how many of us actually attain our goals.  I didn’t get a chance to set any goals, as I have written about before my parents were pretty crap and by the age of 17  I had a young child, my partner was very violent and my parents were living in the West Indies, they had departed for a life of joy.   My brother and I were not invited.

When I was at school I dreamed of a life in the Navy. I wanted to be a Wren I wanted to travel the world.  I love life and I love this world.  One of the reasons I cycle sometimes without a helmet is I want to be free, completely free, when people moan at me, I know they don’t understand how I feel, but why should they, who really knows what another person is like, most of us are so wrapped up in our own egos, we don’t have time for anybody else’s.  I don’t have a death wish but after Richie died, I knew that I could never live again with constraints.

I have started an M.A at Goldsmith university and as I look around the lecture hall at my fellow academics I am pleased to see them so earnest and I know for a lot of them there is a bright future ahead, if I was younger and had not felt the never-ending pain of grief I would probably be just like them but I’m not,  I have felt pain and I have seen life and I will not “Play the Game”.  I get impatient and the words of my friend Maura ring in my ears, “Be kind to them Dee”.  So I am. We all have our own lives and we must be patient with others,  I’m there for my reasons, same as them. I am mightly pleased with my reason for being their as they are for their reasons.

I have what I have always craved my education I have met some very interesting  people. What I didn’t expect to get out of  getting my education back were the other things that  have come with university, the contacts I have made, the new experiences that are available to me because I am in this marvelous place,  to be able to get through this course with any sort  of success I must be organized.

I want to move out of this house with it’s memories, it is a nice house but I have held on far too long, it’s over.  I have never left home, my parents moved off to the West Indies and kindly left their council home to me and my brother.  I then moved away when I reached twenty one to get away from the violent woman hater that I had two children by.   I have lived here ever since. After Richie got lost forever I bought this place with his compensation money.  He used to say to me when he was a little boy he would buy me a house, he kept that promise even though he was twelve and dead when he did.

I have no responsibilities to anybody. I am exactly where I want to be, I want to go and pick something for myself, a large room in a shared house with a garden and a big living room. I want it to be cosy, friendly and happy.

I’m happy even though I write sad stuff, it’s not to beat myself up with, it’s to see how far I have come, it’s a release.  I have accepted that Richie will  never be coming home again.  When I accepted that I was able to find an inner peace that a lot of people in this world will never discover, that is so sad and I only hope that more of my friends can find their inner peace.  So I jump on my bike hat-less and free. I relish the dark days of winter and see the beauty in everything.   I hope you can as well

 Happy New Year

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