Good morning everybody, I’m excited about this new year, I’m really going to push my boundries this year, and the next move will be out of this house and into a new place for myself, it’s time I stopped living like Ms Haversham, leave the past and it memories behind and step out into the sunshine.
This was my status this morning on facebook.
I woke up feeling so bright and ready to face the day. It is New Years Eve morning and I have cleaned my house , when I wake up tomorrow I want this house to be clean and tidy. I want everything organized and in it’s place, this is how I want to live my life from now on. It is a goal that I have consciously thought about, I know it will be very good for me. We all set goals when we’re younger and but how many of us actually attain our goals. I didn’t get a chance to set any goals, as I have written about before my parents were pretty crap and by the age of 17 I had a young child, my partner was very violent and my parents were living in the West Indies, they had departed for a life of joy. My brother and I were not invited.
When I was at school I dreamed of a life in the Navy. I wanted to be a Wren I wanted to travel the world. I love life and I love this world. One of the reasons I cycle sometimes without a helmet is I want to be free, completely free, when people moan at me, I know they don’t understand how I feel, but why should they, who really knows what another person is like, most of us are so wrapped up in our own egos, we don’t have time for anybody else’s. I don’t have a death wish but after Richie died, I knew that I could never live again with constraints.
I have started an M.A at Goldsmith university and as I look around the lecture hall at my fellow academics I am pleased to see them so earnest and I know for a lot of them there is a bright future ahead, if I was younger and had not felt the never-ending pain of grief I would probably be just like them but I’m not, I have felt pain and I have seen life and I will not “Play the Game”. I get impatient and the words of my friend Maura ring in my ears, “Be kind to them Dee”. So I am. We all have our own lives and we must be patient with others, I’m there for my reasons, same as them. I am mightly pleased with my reason for being their as they are for their reasons.
I have what I have always craved my education I have met some very interesting people. What I didn’t expect to get out of getting my education back were the other things that have come with university, the contacts I have made, the new experiences that are available to me because I am in this marvelous place, to be able to get through this course with any sort of success I must be organized.
I want to move out of this house with it’s memories, it is a nice house but I have held on far too long, it’s over. I have never left home, my parents moved off to the West Indies and kindly left their council home to me and my brother. I then moved away when I reached twenty one to get away from the violent woman hater that I had two children by. I have lived here ever since. After Richie got lost forever I bought this place with his compensation money. He used to say to me when he was a little boy he would buy me a house, he kept that promise even though he was twelve and dead when he did.
I have no responsibilities to anybody. I am exactly where I want to be, I want to go and pick something for myself, a large room in a shared house with a garden and a big living room. I want it to be cosy, friendly and happy.
I’m happy even though I write sad stuff, it’s not to beat myself up with, it’s to see how far I have come, it’s a release. I have accepted that Richie will never be coming home again. When I accepted that I was able to find an inner peace that a lot of people in this world will never discover, that is so sad and I only hope that more of my friends can find their inner peace. So I jump on my bike hat-less and free. I relish the dark days of winter and see the beauty in everything. I hope you can as well
Happy New Year