It has become quite embarrassing to keep bumping into the Mayor and saying in my good girl voice, “Hello Steve”

Not that I haven’t always been poor but  this is the first time I’ve noticed it since I began my quest for a better paid job and hopefully more fulfilling life.

 I was helping out at New Cross Peoples library on Saturday and as I was chatting away to Paul Bell all of a sudden I realized that I had got the look of a poor student about me, my T-shirt had about three holes in and my leggings looked as though they had been eaten by moths which when I think about it, they probably were.

I had to leave school at an early age, please read a blog I wrote earlier and that set the pattern of my life for the next hum years,  until three years ago when I had my Epiphany in the restaurant where I was a waitress.  I decided to go back to education.   I had it planned, I knew that to reach my goal I would have to downgrade on everything, and become poor, but I forgot that. 

 Looking down at my clothes on Saturday reminded me. 

I have been re-heeling my shoes, I have got all my old clothes out of the wardrobe and drawers and now wear them, I shop at times when the bargains appear and to be honest I got rid of my car to save money as well.

Even though I had planned for this, it was a real shock to realize just how poor and studenty I feel and look. I have never looked or acted like a princess, but I have tried at all times to look smart and decent.  I have always had a feel for clothes and knows what suits me. 

What is my real problem though?  It’s not materialism because I have never been that way, when silly Kelly Osborne recently stated that Royalty should wear new clothes every time they appear in public, I burst out laughing at her stupid, silly, spoilt , rich girl rant. Only a chav, or a spoilt rich girl would come out with that shit.  Don’t get annoyed not all chavs and rich girls are divs, far from it.

My problem is that in trying to achieve my dream I thought it would be as easy as my dreams, my rich imagination comes in to play here, when I was a little girl and would watch the old black and white films, the main characters in the film that were studying or wanted to make it big on Broadway would work in cafe’s all day and study at night,  poor and barely surviving, nearly  starving,  you would see them in their grotty digs, studying by gas light and after twenty minutes they would be the star of the show and you knew that all that studying came through for them in the end.

Of course when you are actually living that life it really is three or four years at most and not the Hollywood twenty minutes, yes I have done the washing pots, washing toilets, read by street light late at night, bitten my finger nails down to the quick, had massive explosions and finally sobbed myself to sleep with that horrible feeling of dread in my stomach that I  have made a terrible mistake.

Thing is of course I haven’t, Paul Bell is a Labour councillor for the Telegraph Hill Ward and he was actively involved in the campaign to save the five libraries that were due to be closed down in the Lewisham Area (he thinks I’m good) .  I have been asked by another Councillor to help with her campaign  in the next local elections as she thinks I’m very good at my job.  I have met all sorts of people who I could never in a million years have thought that one day I would be  mixing with.

 To achieve my dream I have to do loads of voluntary work, yep working really hard for nothing, except of course the experience is invaluable,  I have given my work away, I record my audio and put it on to a site that is the equivalent of Facebook for Sound, ‘’.   Because of my tenacity I have become noticed and hopefully I will achieve my dream of working  with audio.

It has become quite embarrassing to keep bumping into the Mayor and saying in my good girl voice,  “Hello Steve”   People in my local community who are now used to seeing me on the streets with my recorder now come up to me and say  ” Oh you work in radio?”  I’m all proud and say poshly YAAA,  ha ha . I help out at Sydenham Community Radio.

Please let me get a good paid job soon and let my dreams come true, but most of all, please keep me grounded and never forget where I have come from and how hard it has been. My confidence and my little girl inside have both grown up together in the last three years and I never want to let the both of them down.

So come on Goldsmith’s where I will study for my M.A in September and will be horrendously poor for another year, but boy it will be worth it.


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